Cringegame

{ (set: $page to (passage:)'s name) (set: $gamestart to true) (set:$detectiveMorale to 0) (set:$goodVibes to 0) (set:$myFlock to 0) (set: $rynParty to true) (set: $heronParty to true) (set: $xaveParty to true) (set: $inEncounter to true) } <a href="https://aarix.neocities.org/blorbo/ryn">Ryn</a>, <a href="https://aarix.neocities.org/blorbo/heron">Heron</a>, and <a href="https://toyhou.se/3909069.xavier">Xavier</a> are in town on a friday night, looking for something--anything--to do. They spy their salvation: a nightclub. Thank god... or maybe not. A big guy stands between them and the door to this oasis of entertainment. ''Bouncer'': "Hold it." ''Heron'': "Let me guess, you're full." ''Ryn'': "I can disguise myself as a woman and maybe they'll let me in." ''Xavier'': "But--" Before you can get any ideas for a subquest, the bouncer quickly quashes any crossdressing ambitions which may or may not have been taking root in anyone's mind. ''Bouncer'': "Ha. We don't let women in this club. And we only allow a very certain kind of man..." He gestures at Ryn. and them up to the massive neon sign: (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE]. ''Heron'': >[[⦋Scour for contextual meaning⦌->scour]] (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[ (+1 👁)]] ''Ryn'': >[[ "Oh, you mean, like this?" ⦋thrust out your pelvis to display your spectacular package⦌->like this thrust]](text-colour:orange)[(text-style:"smear")[ (+1 ⭐) ]] ''Xavier'': >[[⦋stare uncomprehendingly⦌->uncomprehending stare]](text-colour:red)[(text-style:"smear")[ (+0 🔶) ]]

Bulges now scorned for good, your party has no choice but to continue trudging into the night. (set: $heronMasc to it - 200) (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[''The end.'']

(if:(history: where its name contains "into lasagna")'s length >= 1) ''Heron'': "What happened to this thing." ''DespairingTwink:'' "I mean... I did have your friend take a look at it first. It was assembled, before." ''Heron'': Lol. Ryn has apparently snapped the mainboard in half. The diagnosis is very straightforward: "You'll need a new computer." (else:)[(if:(history: where its name contains "the fan")'s length >= 1) [[[1: A twink despairing over a semi-disassembled laptop in the corner->tech support]]](else:) ''Heron'': "So you assumed it was a hardware problem.." ''Despairing Twink:''

''Heron'': "But the bouncer's already seen us." ''Xavier'': "Nowhere on that sign," you remind, "does it say the bulge has to be authentic." ''Heron'': This requires some careful deliberation. On one hand: you're not gay. On the other hand, (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE] is a mystery, and if there's one thing you can't stand, it's a mystery left unpoked. >[["No way am I that tryhard and gay."->pad denied]](text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[(👁-1]], (text-colour:cyan)[(text-style:"smear")[♂+1)]] >[["Yes... yes, that *would* be a valid interpretation of the rules."->valid interpretation]] (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[(👁+1]], (text-colour:cyan)[(text-style:"smear")[♂-1)]] (if:$chefHat is true)[>[[Remember the chef's hat in your pocket->chef pad]]](else:)[ ...Alternatively... there's always the chance there's something useful in one of your many cargo pockets.]

''Bouncer'': "Okay, well, you two guys had better keep moving. Your bulges just aren't up to snuff." He gestures and Xavier and Heron's crotches, and then his own and Ryn's. Ohh. [[So that's how it is.->so that's how it is]]

''Heron'': It stands to reason. The city night is like a jungle. No ecological niche can be left unfilled. "Surely." You both look up and down the street, when from down an alley, [[Xavier hears a voice->voice from the shadows]].

''Heron'': "Xavier, it is a gay club for gentemen of uncommon endowment." ''Xavier'': "Oh." [[So that's how it is.->so that's how it is]] (set: $heronMasc to it - 1)

(set: $heronMasc to it + 100) ''Heron'': you whip that shit out--black metal glints lethally in your hands: (text-style:"rumble")[a GUN.]] All three men present exclaim wordlessly. ''Bouncer'': "Oh no you don't motherfucker!" The bouncer pulls out a much larger gun. It's so big that Heron's looks pretty pathetic by comparison. He's starting to feel a bit inadequate. ''Heron'': you're going to just put your gun away now. Before this situation gets any more embarassing and you just end up putting it in your mouth (an omnipresent urge). ''Bouncer'': "Yeah, that's right little boy. None of you are ever getting into (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE] now, since this is the kinda weirdo you hang out with. >[[Okay then.->SAD ENDING]]

''Bouncer'': "Damn right we do! That's what the club is all about." (set: $detectiveMorale to it + 1) [[So that's how it is.->so that's how it is]]

Oh no! I haven't written this joke yet. How about we [[draw your attention back to the laptop in its totality->ryn tech]]

''Bouncer'': "Huh?" he looks a bit hurt. You've hurt his feelings. ''Heron'': "I am merely stating an observable fact." ''Ryn'': "No dude, he's just big boned." ''Bouncer'': "Yeah..." ''Heron'': >[[⦋Keep scouring.⦌->scour]] (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[+ 5]] (set: $detectiveMorale to it - 1)

Oh no I haven't written this joke yet. But you can [[keep looking at that laptop instead->tech support]]

{ (set: $myFlock to it + 1) You and The Boys all get to work. What was once a desolate alley is transformed in a heartwarming montage.} Welcome... to (text-style:"fidget", "smear")+(text-colour:grey)[CLUB NORMAL]. ''Lauchie'': "Hell yeah bro! Thanks for helping us set up Club Normal." ''Xavier'': "No problem. We had nothing better to do tonight." ''Lauchie'': "Since you were so good at handling all the logistics and stuff, Xave, me and The Boys were thinking... ''Lauchie'': "That you should be the manager!" ''Xavier'': Oh... it feels like a delightful spring breeze in your heart right now. There is nothing you love more in this world than being appointed the manager of something. >[["I'd love that more than anything else in the whole world."->manager xave]] { (text-colour:red)[(text-style:"smear")[ (+3 🔶) ]] } >[["Sorry... it's not time for me to settle down yet. A man's gotta ramble on."->ramble on]]

''(text-colour:#901414)[(text-style:"fade-in-out")[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[WARNING]]] '' This game is not finished or proofread or very good. It is also extremely stupid and has extremely stupid adult themes. Continue at your own disappointment. //(Last updated:29/01/2025)// ''N.B.'': The "Undo" button on the left is not the same as a "go back/return" buttons you'll find in the adventure--try and avoid hitting undo unless you actually hit a dead end (of which there are many). Also you can can cheese dice rolls if you're clever. If you want. This game does not yet work completely on mobile--it's playable, but the character menus don't work properly yet. Maybe one day. Also, alas, the restart button does not yet work properly. I'm... working on it oTL [[Okay I get it let's go->CLUB BULGE]] (icon-undo:"Back")

''Ryn'': "Huh? I thought this was the straight ear." ''Bouncer'': "Oh, no, left is the gay one." ''Ryn'': "But, like, is it //your// left or //my// left?" ''Bouncer'': "Huh?" ''Ryn'': "If it's my left ear, then it's like, on your right." ''Bouncer'': "Um. Maybe?" He's never really thought about it like that. ''Ryn'': "Yeah, so the gay one's on the right. Right?" ''Heron'': Your poor dyspraxic head is starting to hurt a bit. Maybe you should (text-style:"underline")[[[keep scouring->scour]].] (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[+ 5]] (set: $detectiveMorale to it - 1)

''Heron'': "Yeah. I guess." you sigh, and look up at the moon as it struggles to compete with the haze of artificial light eternally bathing Brass City. ''Xavier'': >[["Do you wanna keep moving? Surely we can find something better to do."->keep moving]] >[["You know, it can't be that hard to add some padding ourselves. If we really wanted to get in."->add some pad]]

''Xavier'': "Oh. Okay." He eyes Heron warily. ''Heron'': "It's all better now. In case you were wondering." [[The bouncer clears his throat.->ahem]]

(if:visits is 1)[Ryn descends into the club all alone. But not alone for long! There are men of all shapes and sizes, though the one feature they have in common is bulbous and proud. (set: $rynParty to false) A few fellows catch his eye:](else:)[You turn your attention back to the various occupants of this club:] (if:(history: where its name contains "into lasagna")'s length >= 1)[~~1: A twink in the corner, lamenting silently over what used to be a laptop~~](else:)[(if:(history: where its name contains "the fan")'s length >= 1)[[[1: A twink despairing over a semi-disassembled laptop in the corner->tech support]]](else:)[[[1: A twink despairing over a laptop in the corner->tech support]]]] [[2: A harried saxophonist->jazz support]] (set: $rynParty to false) Alternatively, we can leave Ryn here for a while, and switch perspectives over to go [[see how Xave and Heron are handling->keep looking]]. { (set: $rynParty to false) (set: $inEncounter to false) (set: $rynAlone to true) }

(if:(history: where its name contains "heron tech")'s length >= 1)[''Despairing Twink'': "Yeah, you already told me about your friend. Well... I'm still not going anywhere. And honestly, if he doesn't have a nice big bulge I kind of don't want him to touch my computer anyway..." ''Ryn'': "I suppose that's fair enough. Well... good luck, then."](else:)[''Despairing Twink'': "Wow, for real? Well... you should go and get him!" ''Ryn'':"Uh, yeah, there's just one problem. He's not bulgin' enough to get into (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE]. ''Despairing Twink'': "Oh no... and if I get out of my chair, I might lose the spot with the best WiFi signal! Alas... cruel fate..." Damn... looks like if this guy's gonna have any surfin' fun tonight, then Heron's going to have to get in to this club himself.] >[[Return your attention to the club->get inside]]

''Bouncer'': "That's unfortunate. Well, I'll spell it out for you. This club is only for fellas who are packing." ''Xavier'': ... ''Heron'': >[[ ⦋Comprehend the innuendo.⦌->bisexual comprehension]] >But I //am// packing! Packing (text-style:"rumble")+(text-colour:red)[HEAT], that is. (text-style:"underline")[[[⦋Go and put your gun up to this guy's jaw and we'll see who tells whom where they may and may not get in to.⦌->packing heat]] ]

You carefully peel apart the constituent boards of the computer. There are a few creaking and crunching sounds. ''Despairing Twink'': Winces a bit while he watches you like a nervous parent watching his son's dental surgery. You keep prying, until.. uh-huh! One of the boards comes free! And the fan whines to a halt. ''Ryn'': "Phew! That's much better." ''Despairing Twink'': "Is it?" He cranes closer. "It actually looks like it's totally fucked now." ''Ryn'': "Nah, nah," you assure, trying to quickly screw this thing back together, "I've just optimised it a bit." With everything now back in more or less (mostly less) the same place again, you put the laptop back up the right way, and pat the lid, smiling over at its owner. ''Despairing Twink'': "Um. Alright. Well... thanks..." gingerly, he takes the hunk of e-waste into his arms. "I might... just go hide in the corner now. If that's alright with you." [[All in a day's work.->get inside]]

''Harried Saxophonist:'' "Oh no, oh no..." ''Ryn'': "Hey. Anything I can help with?" ''Harried Saxophinist: ''"No, man... Not unless you know any cats who can sit in on bass. Our bassist tripped over and broke both his hands at the last minute, and the bastard's refusing to play. This whole gig's gonna be a mess without some bottom end." ''Ryn'': >[["Actually, I play a bit of bass myself."->rynbass]] >[["Actually, I know just the guy. His name's Xavier, and he's just outside right now."->xavebass]] >[["Sorry brother, I can't do anything about that."->no bass for you]]

The insufficiently-laden heroes leave to go regroup. (set: $rynParty to false) Heron takes a seat on a retaining wall. Xavier, who's not tall enough to quite reach, is going to have to keep standing for a while. It's okay. His limber knees can handle it. ''Xavier'': "Are you especially cut up about it?" ''Heron'': "Not really." Your wounded masculinity prevents you from telling the truth. You frown, and scuff your heel against the wall. ''Xavier'': You know that Heron's wounded masculinity prevents him from telling the truth, so you won't press the matter. >[["I'm sure there's another club around here somewhere. For people of Normal, Sensible size."->another club]] >[["Most of them are probably padding their undies out anyway."->false valor]]

''Heron'': "Yeah, alright." You're both about to leave, when a voice comes from [[a nearby alley->voice from the shadows]].

Ryn thrusts out his crotch impressively. Bouncer: "Right on!" [[So that's how it is.->so that's how it is]]

{(set: $myFlock to it + 3) Lauchie proceeds to administer a high five and a chestbump, which the rest of The Boys proceed to do.} Oh no! I haven't written this joke yet. Go back?

''Harried Saxophonist:'' "Yeah, I thought not." He sighs, and continues pacing. >[[Return your attention to the club->get inside]]

(if:(history: where its name contains "ryn tech")'s length >= 1)[''Ryn'': You simply shake your head. "I'm sorry, bro. This thing is way too complicated for me."](else:)[''Ryn'': "Sorry man, I don't know anything about computers. Um, good luck with the surfin', though."] ''Despairing Twink: ''"Oh... alright.... well... I'll just be here... hoping for a well-endowed IT professional to come and save me... for the rest of the night..." >[[Return your attention to the club->get inside]]

''Heron'': you reach suddenly into your concealed carry pocket... ''Xavier'': "Woah! What are you doing?" Now might be a good time to play it cool. Or not. I'm not the boss of you. ''Heron'': >[["Nothing. I just had an itchy flank. You know how it is."->flanked]] >[["I just thought that now might be an appropriate juncture to search my pocket for a little snack."->snacked]] >[[I am not going to play it cool. I'm going to make my final stand right here, right now, and go out in a blaze of glory. My raider ancestors would be proud of me, for what I am about to do.->blaze of glory]] (text-colour:cyan)[(text-style:"smear")[♂ + 100]]

''Xavier'': Yeah. You really should have known better than to suggest it. You try and play it cool, by laughing a little, and shaking your head. Heron is unmoved. You're both about to try and move on with your lives, when you hear a voice from [[a nearby alley->voice from the shadows]]. (set: $detectiveMorale to it - 1)(set: $heronMasc to it + 1)

''Ryn'': Damn, this guy must be lucky as hell to have made all these amazingly-timed visits at the same time! "Dude! It says you just won a million dollars!" ''Despairing Twink'': "I know dude... But when I clicked on it, I didn't get any money at all." Oh no. This must be one of those computer scams you heard about sometime on the news in the late 00's. You really might be in over your head with this one. Frowning, you [[draw your attention back to the laptop in its totality->ryn tech]].

(if:(history: where its name contains "the fan")'s length >= 1)[The laptop lays on the table, half disassembled, just as you'd left it. The fan continues to crunch and whine. >[[Mmmyeah I remember why I stopped touching it before. Let's just leave it alone for now.->no tech]] >[[Alright. Let's finish what we started.->into lasagna]]](else:)+(if:(history: where its name contains "the fan")'s length <= 1)[(if:visits is 1)[''Despairing Twink:'' "Really?" His big beautiful eyes light up. "You might just be my hero!" ''Ryn'': Mm, he shouldn't get too excited too fast--you're not exactly a computer whiz. In fact, you make it a general rule to spend as little time as possible touching any kind of computer when you could be touching some perfectly good genitals instead. But you're not about to say no to a handsome, well-endowed guy in need. Yes, you //will// be his knight in digital armour. "Let's have a look here..." Leaning in closer, y](else:)[Y]ou can see all kinds of crazy shit going on with this thing. There's (if:(history: where its name contains "popup")'s length >= 1)[windows popping up everywhere](else:)[[[windows popping up everywhere->popup]]] telling you about all the cool shit you just won for being the 999,999,999,999th visitor to twelve different webpages simultaneously. There's a (if:(history: where its name contains "cackling skull")'s length >= 1)[cackling skull](else:)[[[cackling skull]]] on the corner of the desktop. And, worst of all, [[the fan]] *really is* obnoxiously loud. (if:visits >= 2)[ >[["Sorry, I honestly have no fucking idea what I'm doing."->no tech]]]]

''Ryn'': This is not, in fact, a lie. You do play bass. You can crank our root notes til the cows come home, and importantly, look really sexy with your P-bass slung down at your knees going to town on it with your apelike arms. That big wooden thing in the corner? Well, how hard can it be. You figure that jazz is just a bunch of random noise anyway, so even if you play a few wrong notes, that's just more jazziness for these cats to work with. ''Harried Saxophonist'': "Seriously? Oh, dude, you mighta just saved our hides! Get up here and give us a run through some standards." ''Ryn'': Some standards, huh? Well as far as you're concerned, the only standard in jazz is to express yourself, so that's what you're gonna do. Striding confidently over to the kayak-sized piece of lutheiry, you take it by the neck and start plucking a few notes. Phew. Even with your comically gigantic hands this thing is a workout to play.

{ (if:(history: where its name is "scour")'s length < 2)[ (set: $detectiveMorale to it +1)] (if:(history: where its name is "scour")'s length >= 1)[You look (if:(history: where its name is "scour")'s length >= 2)[even] closer. ] (set: _dice to (random:1, 6)) (if: _dice is 1)[⚀] (if: _dice is 2)[⚁] (if: _dice is 3)[⚂] (if: _dice is 4)[⚃] (if: _dice is 5)[⚄] (if: _dice is 6)[⚅]+ (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[👁]] (if:(history: where its name is "chub scour")'s length >= 1)[(set: _dice to it +5) + 5] (if:(history: where its name is "earring scour")'s length >= 1)[(set: _dice to it +5) + 5] (set: _dice to it + $detectiveMorale) = (text-colour:green)[(print: _dice)/5] } { Heron (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[notices]] something that Ryn and this bouncer have in common:} { (if:(history: where its name is "chub scour")'s length >= 1) [~~1: "You are both overweight. The bulge in question is abdominal."~~ ] (else:) [ [[1. "You are both overweight. The bulge in question is abdominal."->chub scour]] ] } { (if:(history: where its name is "earring scour")'s length >= 1) [~~2: "You both appear to be sporting earrings. In the gay ear, no less."~~] (else:)[ (if: _dice is > 3)[ [ [[2. "You both appear to be sporting earrings. In the gay ear, no less."->earring scour]] ] ]] } { (if: _dice is > 4)[ (if:(history: where its name is "bulge scour")'s length >= 1) [~~3. "You both have unusually large crotch bulges."~~] (else:) [ [[3: "You both have unusually large crotch bulges."->bulge scour]] ] ] } { (if: _dice is >= 15)[ [[4. "Your auras trample the substrate of the universe where you tread. You both have Verrell's Syndrome.->Verrell]] ](else:)[ You feel like something remains just beyond your awareness... (if: _dice is > 4)[and you know it's of little importance. (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[((print: _dice)/15)]]] (if:(history: where its name is "scour")'s length >= 2)[The //pertinent// answer is clear as day. Time to move on.]] }

''Ryn'': "Oh sick, have you got anything good?" ''Heron'': Only cold iron. "No." You straighten up, withdrawing your arm from your jacket. "I forgot I'd already eaten them." ''Ryn'': "Yeah, okay, I get it. You just don't want to share." [[The bouncer clears his throat.->ahem]]

With the club's mysterious entry requirements now lain bare (but only, thankfully, in the figurative sense), Xavier and Heron look between each other. ''Xavier'': "There are clubs? For that?" ''Ryn'': "Yeah man," you do the secret handshake with the bouncer. "Nightclubs too." ''Bouncer'': "You should probably [[get inside->get inside]]. These guys are gonna have to [[keep looking for a club of their own.->keep looking]]" ''Xavier'': Looks like we have no choice. ''Ryn'': "Don't worry too much about it guys, It's a blessing as much as it is a curse. I'll see ya later!" { (set: $heronMasc to it - 1) }

(if:visits is 1)[''Ryn'': "Hey. Looks like that thing's giving you some grief." ''Despairing Twink'': "Yeah man... my laptop is totally borked! My favorite thing to do on the weekend is come down to (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE] and surf the net, but my laptop won't stop throwing all these errors at me! And not to mention, the fan is totally way too loud for me to focus on my surfing //or// on any of the beautiful bulges around me! My night is like... totally ruined!"](else:)[''Ryn'': "Looks like that laptop is still causing you trouble..." The guy nods sadly.] ''Ryn'': >[["I could take a look at it, if you want."->ryn tech]] >[["Oh man, I know a guy who could fix this in a snap. His name is Heron and he's *just* outside..."->heron tech]] >[["Damn... well, good luck."->no tech]] (if:(history: where its name contains "the fan")'s length >= 1)[>[[⦋Seductively lean in over the wheezing mess you recently made of this guy's computer⦌ "How about you pay less attention to that computer, and more attention to me. And my bulge."->close laptop]]](else:)[>[[⦋Seductively reach over and shut the laptop lid⦌ "How about you pay less attention to that computer, and more attention to me. And my bulge."->close laptop]]]

Yeah man, that thing sounds like a leafblower. That means something's getting too hot, which means only one thing: it's time for some exploratory surgery. You deftly flip the laptop over--still running, because a vivisection's gonna give you the most important diagnostic material--and dig through your pockets for the beautiful multitool you accidentally stole from a European backpacker. It's authentic: "Made In Swiss". After a few tries, you find the appropriately sized screwdriver, and proceed to take out every screw in the device. It's not making the fan sound any better, but at least you're one step closer to fixing the problem. ''Despairing Twink:'' "Are you sure you should... um..." ''Ryn'': "Yeah, trust me, mate, I do this kind of thing with cars and stuff all the time." Fearlessly, you pry open the backplate. Within awaits a counfounding lasagne of circuitboards blanketed in a thin film of Twink Residue. >[[Yeah, I have no idea what to do with this actually. I'm going to stop before I completely fuck something up beyond any hopes of repair.->no tech]] >[[We need to go deeper.->into lasagna]]

Xavier stares uncomprehendingly at the man. (set: $inEncounter to false) ''Bouncer'': "Oh, come on. Seriously? Well have a quick look: what do me and shortstack there have in common?" ''Xavier'': >[["I could not tell you if you paid me, sir."->heterosexually oblivious]]

''Xavier'': "Exactly. So all we have to do is find some appropriate padding..." (set: $detectiveMorale to it + 1)(set: $heronMasc to it - 1) [[Scan the street]]

''Voice from the shadows'': "Hey. Did you guys just get spurned by Club Bulge?" ''Xavier'': "Ah, yeah, as a matter of fact." A man steps out from the alleyway. He's dressed for a night out, but as he's not clownishly padded down below, he does not qualify. A dozen similar men follow him cautiously, like a herd of deer. ''Lauchie, the voice from the shadows:'' "Us too. I'm Lauchie. I just wanted a night out with the boys, but Club Bulge wouldn't take most of us." The Boys nod sadly. ''Xavier'': "Damn, that's awful." Oh, these guys look so deeply, deeply in need of a saviour. Your mouth is watering a little bit actually. ''Lauchie'': "Yeah... now we have no idea what to do with ourselves, man! We're just... a bunch of rejects." ''Xavier'': Your messianic instincts fill you with holy light. You lay a comforting hand upon Lauchie's. "We're not rejects, Lauchie. We're normal. We should start our own nightclub. A club for Normal guys." Lauchie's eyes light up. ''Lauchie'': "You're so right! Club Normal..." [[And this alleyway is the perfect venue just waiting to happen.->club normal]]{ (text-colour:red)[(text-style:"smear")[ (+2 🔶) ]] }

''Harried Saxophonist:'' "What!? And he's just sittin' around out there? What are you waiting for, bring him on down!" ''Ryn'': "Umm, I would, but the problem is, he's not bulging enough to get into (text-style:"fade-in-out", "smear")+(text-colour:magenta)[CLUB BULGE]. ''Harried Saxophonist'': "Damn it... And nobody ever appriciates how hard it is to put together a jazz band full of fellows with massive bulges until it's too late. Well then, never mind... I guess I'll just have to think of some other way to get through this gig..." >[[Return your attention to the club->get inside]]

{ You scan the desolate street... (set: _dice to (random:1, 10)) (set: _dice to it + $detectiveMorale) (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[👁 (print: _dice)/10]] } (if:_dice <= 3)[There are only broken bottles. This is absolutely the worst thing you could try and augement your pants with. >[[Augment anyway. Fuck it. What's a little broken glass.|augment anyway]] >[[Well, this is fruitless.|fruitless]]] (if: _dice >= 4 and _dice <= 5)[ There are some rocks. They do not look especially comfortable, but they might do, provided nobody looks too closely. ''Xavier'': "Is this seriously the best thing you could find." ''Heron'': "Yes." ''Xavier'': "Well I don't especially want those crushing my dick, so..." ''Heron'': >[["Yeah, neither do I. I'm far too sensible to ever consider such a thing."|fruitless]] >[["Well I do."|rock in]] ] (if: _dice > 5 and _dice <= 9)[There is a bag of discarded clothing. They only smell moderately of sweat. You cannot possibly imagine why nobody wanted these. ''Heron'': "What about this." ''Xavier'': "I mean... I guess they'll do." If it's good enough for Xavier, it's better than what you could ever possibly deserve. You [[get stuffin]]. ](if: _dice > 9)[There are bunches and bunches of virgin bags full of cotton wool. It all looks and smells completely uncontaminated, and better yet, it's super breathable. Xavier: "Ooh, it's organic, too." You both start stuffing it into your pants until you look like well-hung specimins. Heron: "Let's go." (set: $freshCotton to true) >[[You set out|get stuffin]].]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[''WARNING:'' You have pressed the restart button. Click back if you didn't mean it. Or the big red button if you did. <button class="footbutton">(link: "uh oh, take me back")[(goto: $page)]</button> (text-style:"fidget")[<button class="footbutton nuke"> <a onclick="location.reload()" onclick="Engine.restart()" class="internalLink">Oh yeah, I mean it. Restart (Sorry to get your hopes up: this button doesn't work yet.)</a> </button>] ]

=|= {(text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[👁 (print:$detectiveMorale)]] (if:$detectiveMorale <= -1)[Your body is numb.] (if:$detectiveMorale is 0)[The machinery of the world is loud--almost too loud to hear yourself think.] (if:$detectiveMorale is 1)[Your awareness thrums. The world is bright with complexity--and so is your epic Sherlock brain..] (if:$detectiveMorale is 2)[The steel filaments of your soul align to the magnetic field of the earth. Things seem to be making more sense than usual.] (if:$detectiveMorale >2)[You can see the seams of the universe.] Concentrate, observe--mysteries will reveal themselves to you the more you make decisions which allow them to. } =|= {(text-colour:cyan)[(text-style:"smear")[♂ (print:$heronMasc)]] (if:$heronMasc <= -3)[You feel like a tragic eunuch.] (if:$heronMasc is -2)[You're feel like an absolute pansy. A fruitcake. It's dire, which means you're going to have to do something about it--something insane.] (if:$heronMasc is -1)[You're feeling slightly emasculated.] (if:$heronMasc is 0)[You're feeling relatively masculine today.] (if:$heronMasc is 1)[You're feeling masculine today.] (if:$heronMasc is 2)[You're thrumming with masculinity.] (if:$heronMasc >= 3)[You're so fucking masculine right now; your dick is made of miracles.] Remember to make masculine choices to keep this integral part of your psyche intact. } |==| <hr> ''Relationships:'' { (if: $heronXryn >= 0 and $heronXryn <= 6)[Ryn is annoying you a normal amount.] (if:$rynParty is true)[ (if:$heronParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Heron at Ryn]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } { (if: $heronXxave >= 0 and $heronXxave <= 6)[You will kill and die and die and kill for Xavier.] (if:$xaveParty is true)[ (if:$heronParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Heron at Xave]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } <hr> ''Inventory:'' * [[Wallet->Heron wallet]] * Guitar Picks (x849) * [[Chef Hat->chef hat]] * { (if:(history: where its name contains "locket concentrate")'s length >= 1) [ (if:$locketSolved is true) [Tiny (if:$locketValue is true)[worthless] locket with a picture of a random stranger] (else:) [Tiny locket with a picture of your beloved] ] (else:)[ [[Tiny locket with a picture of your beloved->Heron beloved]] ] } * Karra-Leon 9mm Pistol * White Talon Anti-Mage 9mm ammunition (x12) { (if:(history: where its name contains "get inside")'s length >= 1 and (history: where its name contains "keep looking")'s length >= 1)[<button class="footbutton">(link: "switch to Heron")[(goto: "keep looking")]</button>] <button class="footbutton">(link: "Return to Story")[(goto: $page)]</button> }

{ (if:$goodVibes <= -1)[The vibes are so off. This sucks, badly.] (if:$goodVibes is 0)[It's al alright kind of day.] (if:$goodVibes is 1)[It's a good day. In the words of a great bard--so much to do, so much to see.] (if:$goodVibes is 2)[The good vibes are pumping! Woohoo!] (if:$goodVibes >2)[You're a fucking superstar, baby!]} ''Relationships:'' { (if: $rynXheron >= 0 and $rynXheron <= 6)[Heron is boring you a normal amount.] (if:$heronParty is true)[ (if:$rynParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Ryn at Heron]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } { (if: $rynXxave >= 0 and $rynXxave <= 6)[Xave's a good friend. You're chill.] (if:$xaveParty is true)[ (if:$rynParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Ryn at Xave]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } ''Inventory:'' (if:$hasDucky is true)[Rubber duck,y you're the one.](else:)[Your pockets are empty.] { (if:(history: where its name contains "get inside")'s length >= 1 and (history: where its name contains "keep looking")'s length >= 1)[<button class="footbutton">(link: "switch to Ryn")[(goto: "get inside")]</button>] <button class="footbutton">(link: "Return to Story")[(goto: $page)]</button> }

{(set: $tags to (passage:)'s tags) (if: not ($tags contains "no-header"))[ (display: "yesheader")] (else:)[(display: "noheader")]}

(if: $gamestart is not true)[Start the game first.](else:)[ Go Back: <button class="footbutton">(link: "Return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button> Check on someone: <button class="footbutton">[[Ryn]]</button> <button class="footbutton">[[Heron]]</button> <button class="footbutton">[[Xavier]]</button> <hr> <button class="footbutton nuke">[[RESTART->NUKE]]</button>]

''Heron'': "Ryn..." ''Ryn'': "Yeah? What's up?" ''Heron'': "Not sure. Just testing." ''Ryn'': "Ah. Okay." <button class="footbutton">(link: "back to Heron")[(goto: (history:)'s last)]</button> <button class="footbutton">(link: "return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button>

(if:visits is 1)[''Xavier'': "You okay?" ''Heron'': "Yes." ''Xavier'': "Great."] (else:)[] <button class="footbutton">(link: "back to Heron")[(goto: (history:)'s last)]</button> <button class="footbutton">(link: "return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button>

''Ryn'': "Hey Heron?" ''Heron'': "What." ''Ryn'': "Just thought I'd check in with you." ''Heron'': "Alright." <button class="footbutton">(link: "back to Ryn")[(goto: (history:)'s last)]</button> <button class="footbutton">(link: "return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button>

(if:visits is 1)[''Ryn'': "Hey Xave!" ''Xave'': "Hey. Everything okay?" ''Ryn'': "Yep. Just wanted some attention.." ''Xave'': "You got it." Xavier smiles at you warmly. Your heart feels brighter inide. (set: $goodVibes to it + 1)] (else:)[''Ryn'': "Hey Xave!" ''Xave'': "Hey again. Do you need something?" ''Ryn'': "Nah. Just testing my luck." Xavier chuckles pleasantly. ''Xave'': "I see"] <button class="footbutton">(link: "back to Ryn")[(goto: (history:)'s last)]</button> <button class="footbutton">(link: "return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button>

{(set: $tags to (passage:)'s tags) (if: not ($tags contains "no-footer"))[ (display: "yesfooter")] (else:)[(display: "nofooter")]}

{ (set: $page to (passage:)'s name) }

{ (set: _dice to (random:1, 100)) (if:_dice is 1)[ULTRAFAIL] (if: _dice > 2 and _dice <= 5)[Crit Fail] (if: _dice > 5 and _dice <= 20)[Low] (if: _dice > 20 and _dice <= 40)[Lowmid] (if: _dice > 40 and _dice <= 60)[Mid] (if: _dice > 60 and _dice <= 75)[Highmid] (if: _dice > 75 and _dice <= 94)[High] (if: _dice > 94 and _dice <= 99)[Crit] (if:_dice is 100)[ULTRAWIN] } []

''Xavier'': "What the fuck are you doing?" you pause halfway into shoveling handfuls of broken glass into your jocks. >[["I was taking this glass for unrelated, normal reasons."|take glass]] >[["What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting into this nightclub whether it results in severe genital mutilation or not."|mutilation]]

Xavier watches in horror as you shovel your tighy whities full of handfulls of broken glass. Wow, Heron's finally done it. The quasi-catholic guilt has finally caught up with him, and he's decided to amputate his own stick and berries in the most gruesome way imaginable. ''Xavier'': "Heron, stop!" Xavier's pleas land on deaf ears. Your tighty whities are quicky becoming more of a reddish hue. With a martyr's conviction, you focus through the pain and zip up.</spam> ''Xavier'': "Heron this is serious I think you need to go to hospital." >[[Continue|mutilation result]] { (text-colour:cyan)[ (text-style:"smear")[ (♂ Masculinity Check) ] ]}

''Xavier'': "Oh. Okay. Well that's fine, I suppose. Let's keep looking around."

Bouncer: "Holy shit! You're bleeding real bad man! Want me to call an ambulance?"

(set:$heronMasc to -100) (if:$heronMasc <= -1)[ { (text-colour:cyan)[ (text-style:"smear")[ ` (Masculinity: INADEQUATE)` ] ] } Xavier's concern for your life is very cute, but you will be doing no such thing. You have a mission now. Your wounded masculinity demands a sacrifice, even if it must be the sacrifice of your manliest areas. Grimly, you stride back to (text-colour:magenta)[(text-style:"smear","fade-in-out")[CLUB BULGE]]. Oh, God... It's no use. No matter how much you try to form yourself into a human anchor, cling to one of his arms and drag him to the hospital conveniently situated right across the street, Heron just marches on. (set: $myFlock to it -4) (text-colour:red)[(text-style:"smear")[(-4 🔶)]] ''Bouncer'': "Don't I know you?" ''Heron'': >[["Perhaps you know my poorly-endowed fraternal twin brother."|bleeding mound]] >[[`[Gesture wordlessly to your bleeding mound⦌`|bleeding mound]] ] (else:)[{ (text-colour:cyan)[ (text-style:"smear")[ `(Masculinity: SECURE)` ]] } Xavier's concern is very touching. Touching enough to startle you from your fanatical trance. You blink. ''Heron'': "I'm really not sure why I did that." ''Xavier'': "Oh, Heron..." You put a gentle hand upon Heron's arm--you're too short to reach his shoulder. Heron may be bleeding profusely, but what really matters now is that you get to fix everything. (set: $myFlock to it +2) (text-colour:red)[(text-style:"smear")[(+2 🔶)]] Now, the hospital is... you get out your phone. Then, you look up. Ah! It's just across the street for some reason. That's really convenient, because you know Heron would rather continuing enduring his literal emasculation rather than allow himslf to be manhandled by paramedics. ''Xavier'': "This way." You wave him along. You look woozily in that direction. Hm. very convenient hospital proximity in case you get stabbed out the back of Club Bulge by a well-endowed assailant, and not in a pleasant, sexual way. Not that you'd know anything about that, being heterosexual. Even if you weren't, you know you'd be a top. Or, at least, that's what you'd be if you were gay and currently not currently at risk of penile amputation. ]

Oh no! I haven't written this joke yet. Go back?

Xavier: "Mm... I guess we should [[keep moving]]..."

You pile a bunch of rocks into your drawers. You're looking fantastic. Fantastically lumpy, that is. Also if you take a single step like this you might have to go to hospital. Xavier watches helplessly. ''Heron'': >[[I fear nothing. Onwards.|let it rock]] >[[I fear just this one thing. I'm taking them out.|rock out]]

You shuffle carefully back to the club.

Xavier sighs as he watches you unpack. ''Xavier'': "Heron... I think we need to talk."

Oh no! I haven't written this joke yet. Go back?

[[Menu]]

{♃ (if:$myFlock <= -1)[You're slipping. Be careful.] (if:$myFlock is 0)[You are in control.] (if:$myFlock is 1)[Things are going your way. Good.] (if:$myFlock is 2)[Excellent, it's all coming together.] (if:$myFlock >2)[You're the master of the universe. Everything is as it should be.]} ''Relationships:'' { (if: $xaveXheron >= 0 and $rynXheron <= 6)[You will do anything for Heron.] (if:$heronParty is true)[ (if:$xaveParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Xave at Heron]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } { (if: $xaveXryn >= 0 and $xaveXryn <= 6)[Ryn remains obedient.] (if:$xaveParty is true)[ (if:$rynParty is true)[ (if:$inEncounter is false)[ [[⦋Talk⦌|Xave at Ryn]] ] (else:)[You're too busy to talk.] ] ] (else:)[He's not with you right now.] } ''Inventory:'' (if:$hasDucky is true)[Rubber duck,y you're the one.](else:)[Your pockets are empty.] { (if:(history: where its name contains "get inside")'s length >= 1 and (history: where its name contains "keep looking")'s length >= 1)[<button class="footbutton">(link: "switch to Ryn")[(goto: "get inside")]</button>] <button class="footbutton">(link: "Return to Story")[(goto: $page)]</button> }

''Xave'': "Ryn, how are you?" ''Ryn'': "Good mate!" <button class="footbutton">(link: "back to Xavier")[(goto: (history:)'s last)]</button> <button class="footbutton">(link: "return to game")[(goto: $page)]</button>

A little hush descends. Woah... a fellow Verrell's boy? Now that you look, you can almost see it--he'd have to have a much milder case--then again, nobody's case is as severe as your own. ''Bouncer'': "...What?" ''Ryn'': "...*Are* you?" ''Bouncer'': "...I mean... I am, but.." ''Heron'': "It's plainly evident--your short statures, your large hands, your..." your eyes wander downwards. ''Bouncer'': "*That there* is what club bulge is about." ''Heron'': "...What." ''Bouncer'': "*The crotch bulge, man! Me and your ginger friend are both packing." ''Heron'': "Ah." But //that// is so obvious! So... pedestrian. You have to admit, this has taken the wind out of the sails of the USS Sherlock just a little bit. (set: $detectiveMorale to it - 1)(text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[👁 -1]] [[Continue->so that's how it is]]

Oh no! I haven't written this joke yet. Go back?

Your wallet, containing 500 Kansian Dollars in various denominations. [<button class="footbutton">(link: "Return")[(goto: "Heron")]</button>]

You find a tiny silver locket in the bottom corner of one of your many cargo pockets. Wait... Who is this woman? A clue from your mysterious, tortured past? > [[Concentrate.->locket concentrate]] (text-style:"smear")[(text-colour:green)[👁]] [<button class="footbutton">(link: "Return")[(goto: "Heron")]</button>]

{ (set: _dice to (random:1, 6)) (if: _dice is 1)[⚀] (if: _dice is 2)[⚁] (if: _dice is 3)[⚂] (if: _dice is 4)[⚃] (if: _dice is 5)[⚄] (if: _dice is 6)[⚅]+ (text-colour:green)[(text-style:"smear")[👁]] (set: _dice to it + $detectiveMorale) = (text-colour:green)[(print: _dice)/3] } { (if:_dice is <= 2) [You have no idea who this mysterious woman could be. Your heart pangs with a distant longing. (set:$locketSolved to false)] (else:) [Wait, you remember. You found this locket on the ground at a gig the other day. (set:$locketSolved to true) (if:_dice is >5) [ (👁 advanced insight:) It's low grade silver, not worth especially much. If it came down to it, you could probably throw it at an elf to deal a little chip damage. (set:$locketValue to true)] (else:) [It could be worth a pretty penny. (set:$locketValue to false)] ] } [<button class="footbutton">(link: "Return")[(goto: "Heron")]</button>]

(set:$chefHat to true)A standard chef's hat. Tall and white, and only a bit worse for wear from having been rolled up in your cargo pocket for several washing cycles. This might be useful if you ever need a nondecript wad of fabric, or have to disguise yourself as a chef. [<button class="footbutton">(link: "Return")[(goto: "Heron")]</button>]

Heron takes something from his pocket... ''Heron'': "I have this." Oh? You lean in to study it curiously. ''Xave'': "I guess if you kinda scrunch it up it could work..." ''Heron'': "...for *one* of us."